Dustin Diamond "Inside the Actor's Studio" parody skit on SNL

On April 15, 2000 Saturday Night Live had one of the funniest skits I've ever seen. The skit was the hilarious "Inside The Actor's Studuio" with Will Ferrell as James Lipton and Tobey Maguire as Dustin Diamond (from Saved By The Bell). The dialogue, available at snltranscripts.jt.org was as follows:

James Lipton: In going through the list of great characters... few come to mind. Blanche Dubois, from "Streetcar Named Desire".. Willy Loman, from "Death of a Salesman".. and, of course.. Screech, from "Saved By The Bell". That actor is with us today. Please join me in welcoming.. Mr. Dustin Diamond.

[ Dustin Diamond enters the set, grimacing like a buffoon ]

James Lipton: The character.. the character of Screech. Where did he come from?

Dustin Diamond: A place inside me! There's a Screech inside all of us, but.. mostly, it's a funny voice!

James Lipton: In 1992.. a made-for-television film came out that changed the face of American cinema. That film, of course, is "Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style". If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and see the greatest film EVER! In the history.. of the world. In that piece.. you were kidnapped by the Pupuku clan. How did you prepare for that?

Dustin Diamond: Well, I'd like to say that I studied a lot for that part - you know, reading stuff on Hawaii - but.. we just had fun. I do this thing in my head, I.. pretend to put on a funny hat.. and then I just get crazy!! [ laughs like a moron ]

James Lipton: In that picture.. Kelly's grandfather invites the entire gang to Hawaii for summer holiday.

Dustin Diamond: Yes! The thing about that-

James Lipton: [ interrupting ] They expect a marvelous time at the beach, sans Mr. Belding. They arrive.. and discover Mr. Belding is there as well, don't they?

Dustin Diamond: Yes! Yes, he is! [ cracking up ] They didn't think he was gonna be there, but he is! That's the ,b>twist part! [ laughs ]

James Lipton: You.. are a delight! [ breaks into a boisterous guffaw ]

Dustin Diamond: Thank you! [ with nothing else to do, joins Liptin in his boistorous guffaw ]

James Lipton: [ finally ] In 1993, Dustin leaves the "Saved By The Bell" series, to stretch his acting chops, if you will.. and, in 1994, he found a role that suited him. That of an administrative assistant to a high school principal.. in "Saved By The Bell: The New Class". If you want to see an actor practice his craft at the highest level.. you need look no further than "Saved By The Bell: The New Class" - it's marvelous!

Dustin Diamond: When I thought.. that I was done with the role of Screech, I swore I would never do it again - then.. I read the script. I wept openly on the flight to Philadelphia! You don't come across writing like that every day!

James Lipton: Indeed, you don't. Of course, we will conclude our.. evening.. with a questionnaire.. invented by the great Bernard Pivot.

Dustin Diamond: Oh, boy! Ha ha ha!

James Lipton: What is your favorite word?

Dustin Diamond: Oh, uh.. [ thinking ] Pancake!

James Lipton: What turns you off?

Dustin Diamond: When.. someone throws garbage or feces at you?

James Lipton: What sound, or noise, do you love?

Dustin Diamond: To be honest.. applause.

[ the audience erupts into forced applause, much to Dustin's bemused delight ]

James Lipton: I think we all like that. What is your favorite curse word?

Dustin Diamond: Hmm.. "frosted nuts"! [ giggles coquettishly ]

James Lipton: [ laughs uproariously with Dustin ] Nicely done! And, finally.. if Heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?

Dustin Diamond: "Up here.. you'd be playing the role of Zack!"

James Lipton: [ clapping ] Dustin Diamond.. on behalf of The Actor's Studio, and the student before, I thank you.

Dustin Diamond: Thank you!

David Wells' attacker loses appeal

Take a look at this asshole. His name is Rocco Graziosa, and he's the little punk who attacked former New York Yankees pitcher David Wells in 2002, knocking out 2 of Wells' teeth in an unprovoked attack at a New York diner.

Apparently on the night of September 7, 2002 Wells was at Gracie's Corner Restaurant in New York City with a friend when Graziosa walked in with some friends and began talking with the pitcher, according to police Sgt. David Jorin. After the conversation, Graziosa went to his table and made a remark about Wells' mother, who is dead. A few moments later, Graziosa grabbed a butter knife off the table, began waving it and then attacked Wells, police said.

Wells, who stands 6'4" and probably weighs 300 lbs, did not retaliate against Graziosa, a 5'7" man. In doing so he would have opened himself up to lawsuits by the little bastard.

A Manhattan Criminal Court jury convicted Graziosa on Nov. 22, 2002, of third-degree assault. He was sentenced to 45 days in jail. His appeal to this conviction was rejected last week.

Graziosa is human scum that will likely see the inside of a jail cell many more times during his lifetime - he is currently on probation after pleading guilty to misdemeanor charges of fondling a 21-year-old woman who fell asleep during a New Year's party in a Yonkers house on Jan. 1, 2004.

Meanwhile, a civil lawsuit that Wells filed against Graziosa in September 2003 seeking unspecified damages is pending in Manhattan's state Supreme Court.

Dennis Haskins revisted...

I found some more pictures of Dennis Haskins on the Internet. These pictures certainly make it appear as though Dennis is a dirty old man who probably hits on anything that moves.

Check out this picture - he's wearing a mustache in an unsuccessful attempt to disguise himself as a cool and hip older gentleman:

He looks like Humpty-Dumpty is this picture:

He's trying to pick up an incredibly hot chick here who looks creeped out by the fact that Saved By The Bell's "Mr. Belding" is trying to get on her:

Jim Thome is a good acquisition for the White Sox

The White Sox's trade of Aaron Rowand and two minor leagers for the Phillies' first baseman Jim Thome and $22 million of the remaining $46 million on Thome's contract is a good acquisition. Take a look at Thome's career stats as listed at Baseball-Reference.com:

Rowand will be missed, as he was a good, but not great, hard-nosed player who played all-out in centerfield while providing stellar defense. However, Thome is worth the loss of Rowand. Although Thome was injured last year and there have been rumors of possible steroid use, Thome put up suberb offensive numbers from 1996-2004, averaging 40 home runs and 115 RBIs per year. If he comes even close to producing similar numbers in 2006, he will be more than worth the trade of Rowand. Moreover, the acquisition of Thome provide the White Sox with insurance in case the team is unable to re-sign their current 1st-basemen Paul Konerko. And if the Sox can re-sign Konerko, Thome would be a great DH.

Song from Nissan XTerra commercial.

I've seen a relatively new commercial for the Nissan XTerra truck a number of times recently. A cool song plays in the background while the truck is being driven through rought terrain. The song goes something like

"You're gonna fall behind me. You're gonna cry and beg for mercy... 'cause you're not ready baby, you got nothin on me..."

Anyway, I just discovered that the name of the song is "Fall Behind Me" by "The Donnas," an all-female rock group. This song is from their 2004 album entitled Gold Medal.

Steroids in baseball

ESPN: The Magazine has printed an interesting article about the prevalance of steroids in baseball over the past 20 years or so. There's some interesting passages about steroid use by Lenny Dykstra and Dave Hollins, teammates on the Phillies in the early 90s.

The author also write about how Peter Rose considered using steroids but ultimately decided against it at the end of his career when he was losing bat speed. The article mentions an outfielder on the Reds in 1986 who showed up at training camp that spring with an extra 30 pounds of muscle due to steroid usage. I looked at Baseball-Reference.com in an attempt to determine the identity of the outfielder. I think he must be referring to either Eric Davis or Dave Parker, the only two power hitting outfielders on the team.

The 2005 NL MVP award

Congratulations to Albert Pujols on winning the 2005 National League MVP Award. It's about time he won one after finishing in the top four during 2001-2004 when a Barry Bonds juiced-up on steroids stole 4 in a row. I probably would have voted for Pujols if given the opportunity as he put up great numbers this year. However, I am surprised at the final voting results:

Player Team 1st place 2nd place 3rd place Total votes
Albert Pujols STL 18 14 - 378
Andruw Jones ATL 13 17 2 351
Derrek Lee CHC 1 1 30 263

Here are the respctive season stats for the top three:
G AB R H 2B 3B HR RBI BB K SB CS AVG OBP SLG OPS
Pujols 161 591 129 195 38 2 41 117 97 65 16 2 .330 .430 .609 1.039
Jones 160 586 95 154 24 3 51 128 64 112 5 3 .263 .347 .575 .922
Lee 158 594 120 199 50 3 46 107 85 109 15 3 .335 .418 .662 1.080

I am not surprised that Pujols won - I figured beforehand that Pujols would win a close vote. However, I thought that Pujols would barely beat out Lee for the award, not Jones. Look at the stats above and you'll see that one player's stats lag far behind the other two. That player is, of course, Andruw Jones. Jones hit a pedestrian .263 for the year, 67 points below Pujols and a whopping 72 points below Lee. Some people will point out that Jones hit 51 homers. While that is an impressive stat, his slugging percentage was still well below that of Pujols and Lee. Jones has more RBIs, but that's most likely because Atlanta had more runners on base throughout the season when he came to the plate that did Pujols or Lee.

When I see results like this, it really makes me wonder if the people doing the voting are retarded or are simply holding grudges against certain players. It makes me think of the 1995 AL MVP voting where Albert Belle was absolutely robbed by Mo Vaugh, a player with far inferior stats who played on a worse team than Belle.

Dennis Haskins is fat

Check out this recent picture of Dennis Haskins with Dustin Diamond:



What has happened to him? It almost looks as though he ate one of the kids from Saved By The Bell.

It's really sad that he let himself go like this. Apparently he has no reason to stay in shape now that his TV career is pretty much over and done with. I read somewhere that now he tours colleges giving motivationals speeches, trying to pick up college-aged women, and stuffing his face with greasy food.

Look at these pictures of him in action hanging out with college-aged kids:

The "Jeff Bagwell Conspiracy"

I recently discovered an article about the flow of steroids into major league baseball over the past 10-15 years. It's a funny satirical article about how Jeff Bagwell has been one of the steroid kingpins, and that all steroid use can be traced to him. I especially like the part about how Tony Gywnn got hooked:

Perhaps the most shocking participant in the great San Diego juice-up of 1997 was none other than future Hall of Famer Tony Gwynn. After several seasons of being one of the greatest hitters of all time, Gwynn went into the off-season of 1996 having not played more than 141 games since 1989. In 1996, Gwynn had watched his teammates enjoy fabulous years while he suffered through an injury plagued year in which he played only 116 games, hit only 3 homeruns and drove in only 50 runs. So, desperate to regain his stroke, Tony joined in the 'roid parties at Greg Vaughn's house, packing on several pounds of undetectable muscle under the layers of fat on his body, and emerged in 1997 ready to pack some punch with his lunch.

The Bagwell conspiracy

Frank Thomas belongs in the Hall of Fame after he retires

Frank Thomas was one of the best players of the 1990s. He won back-to-back AL MVP awards in 1993 and 1994 (the 1993 award was unanimous) and finished a close second to Jason Giambi in 2000. There's no doubt that his skills have faded somewhat since 2000, but his career numbers are still top-notch.

His career BA is .307, the 10th highest among active players. His career OBP is .427, which is 13th on teh all-time list. His career slugging % is .568 (15th all-time), his OPS is .995 (11th all-time), he has hit 448 hime runs (30th all-time), and has 1465 RBIs (48th all-time). Thomas is also the proud holder of a ton of White Sox team hitting records.

Despite these awesome career total, some baseball pundits believe he does not belong in the Hall of Fame!!! I whole-heartedly disagree with these pundits. The "Big Hurt" is one of the greatest and most patient hitters to ever play the game. He should have won 3 MVP awards; unfortunately a Giambi juiced-up on steroids stole the award from him in 2000. Thomas, on the other hand, appears to have played his entire career steroid-free. He has always been big, even in the early 90s when he was first called up to the big leagues, unlike Barry Bonds in particular. With his career averages and power numbers he should be a first ballot choice all the way.